{"id":44,"date":"2016-09-30T19:13:33","date_gmt":"2016-09-30T19:13:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/?p=44"},"modified":"2025-04-21T04:23:42","modified_gmt":"2025-04-21T08:23:42","slug":"man-shit-killing-rats-smashing-birds-and-taking-names","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/30\/man-shit-killing-rats-smashing-birds-and-taking-names\/","title":{"rendered":"Man Shit &#8211; Killing Rats, Smashing Birds, and Taking Names"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-medium\" src=\"http:\/\/empirenews.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/shark.jpg\" width=\"667\" height=\"406\" \/><\/p>\n<p>My neighborhood is overflowing with rats. Rats as far as the eye can see. Rats up to my eyeballs. Deplorable.<\/p>\n<p>Recently, I&#8217;ve been drafted by my wife to kill these bastards who are guilty of nothing besides being born the wrong animal. They haven&#8217;t invaded our home. Our garbage is covered. Neither of the kids have been swept up into the violent world of #ratculture. Apparently though, these guys got to go. They are a big problem.<\/p>\n<p>So I built this ingenious device that some real time American hero manly dude built on YouTube:<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" width=\"840\" height=\"630\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/1PLO3a9QQQI?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"autoplay; encrypted-media\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>Turns out though, that trap works like shit. Apparently, that guy is dealing with some dumb ass country bumpkin rats and not smart city rats like I got. The only thing I got was my peanut butter licked clean by squirrels. I tried raw bacon too, but that didn&#8217;t work either.<\/p>\n<p>So then my wife talks to a vermin catcher at our local park and he tells us we need to go old fashion snap traps on these things. I Amazoned the most primitive, medieval nasty looking rat killing device I could find.<\/p>\n<p>This feckin&#8217; beast:<\/p>\n<figure style=\"width: 500px\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/img2.wantitall.co.za\/prodimages\/made2catch-classic-metal-mouse-trap-fully-galvanized-8-traps-snap-trap-for-mice-mouse-and-small-rode__41u0Re7XzOL.jpg\" alt=\"The rat chomper 2000\" width=\"500\" height=\"349\" \/><figcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">The rat chomper 2000 &#8220;rat catching nightmares or your money back!&#8221;<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<p>These bad boys were expensive. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/gp\/product\/B0190GMLUG\/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1\">$13.99 for a 4 pack!<\/a> I figured, &#8220;no big deal. They&#8217;re reusable&#8230;..&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><iframe loading=\"lazy\" src=\"\/\/giphy.com\/embed\/rIq6ASPIqo2k0\" width=\"480\" height=\"430\" frameborder=\"0\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p>Feck&#8217; that noise! Have you ever seen a dead rat embedded into a metal trap in your backyard? Shit is horrifying. #Nightmarejuice type stuff.\u00a0 I&#8217;d post a picture, but I didn&#8217;t take one because I&#8217;m not some type of psycho path who snaps photos of my rat kills on the internet.<\/p>\n<p>Turns out though, rat killing was absolutely nothing in terms of challenging my man skills. I was stirred from my bed yesterday morning by my wife telling me frantically that a bird got trapped in our rat killing device. She wanted me to rescue it.<\/p>\n<p>I go out back and sure enough, there is a bird on it&#8217;s last legs just suffering with a broken leg stuck in the trap, and for some reason, missing an eyeball. (&#8230;I have no idea how that happened. I think it might be unrelated to the trap. #denial #tangent)<\/p>\n<p>So saving this guy is out of the question, and I&#8217;m pretty certain animal rescue just sends a guy to your house to point at your penis and snicker at you if you call them about a problem such as this. Only reasonable (and frankly humane) thing to do is to grab a shovel and smash the bird into next Tuesday.<\/p>\n<p>Feathers everywhere. Repressed memories that will resurface in my dreams for years to come being born right there in my backyard. Awful.<\/p>\n<p>At least it lead to this fun exchange with my BFF though:<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-46\" src=\"http:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/image1-300x202.png\" alt=\"Bird text\" width=\"462\" height=\"311\" srcset=\"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/image1-300x202.png 300w, https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/image1.png 744w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 462px) 85vw, 462px\" \/><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>My neighborhood is overflowing with rats. Rats as far as the eye can see. Rats up to my eyeballs. Deplorable. Recently, I&#8217;ve been drafted by my wife to kill these bastards who are guilty of nothing besides being born the wrong animal. They haven&#8217;t invaded our home. Our garbage is covered. Neither of the kids &hellip; <a href=\"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/2016\/09\/30\/man-shit-killing-rats-smashing-birds-and-taking-names\/\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading<span class=\"screen-reader-text\"> &#8220;Man Shit &#8211; Killing Rats, Smashing Birds, and Taking Names&#8221;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-44","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-manshit"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=44"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":85,"href":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/44\/revisions\/85"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=44"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=44"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dadsaloon.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=44"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}